Throwing Your Pearls Away

“Where your treasure is there your heart will be also.”, Jesus said.

There is much to say about this statement, but one surface-level truth that falls right out of that teaching is that those things that cost us a lot of treasure are the things that will grab our hearts.  Or, another way of saying it: the things in life that we value the most are things that are costly.

That “cost” isn’t just dollars and cents.  Cost can be measured in time or in energy or in other ways.  For instance, if I spend 10 hours writing up a report to give my boss and then my hard drive crashes and I lose the report and have to write it over again, I’ve lost a lot of precious time.  I may be quite frustrated about the loss because the report represents an investment of time.

In human relationships, we see something similar.  Why is it that those people that are closest to us are often the ones that can affect us the most?  Because those relationships are the ones that represent the largest investment of time, energy, thought, and money.   Our family knows things about us that no one (or very few) others do.  They know our pet peeves, our weaknesses, our embarrassing moments–they know how to press our buttons.   On the flip side, because family knows our struggles and problems, they are often the ones best positioned to support us, encourage us, help us, and protect us.  Our hearts are in those relationships because all that is precious to us has been invested in them.

Giving Away Our Pearls

When we share things with others, we are making investments, whether we do so intentionally or not.  The more precious and personal the things we share, the more invested we become.

Jesus called these precious things “pearls.”¹ There is great wisdom in being careful about whom we share our pearls with.   If we share our pearls with those who are not worthy of them (Jesus calls them “swine” or “pigs”), we stand the very real risk of having our pearls trampled, and being attacked ourselves (see Matthew 7:6).

One of the most precious pearls that each of us has been given is our sexuality.  Because sex is such an intimate, personal, and precious pearl, what we do with our bodies is of great concern to God.  1 Corinthians 6:12-20 says:

“‘All things are lawful for me,’ but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,’ but I will not be dominated by anything. 13 “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food’—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! 16 Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. 18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”

Among many things, this passage reveals to us that when we misuse our bodies sexually, we sin against ourselves–we harm ourselves.

Waiting Until Marriage

God’s design took all of this into account.  Marriage is to be the place where the precious pearl of our sexuality is fully expressed, and nowhere else.   In the context of marriage, where there is love, trust, commitment, and mutual respect present, then, and only then, can this pearl be shared.  It is simply too precious to be expressed or given anywhere else.   When we give this pearl to someone, we are giving them access to one of the deepest, and most personal aspects of our being.  Such access should not be granted to just anyone.  This is why Christians have always advocated for couples to wait until they are married to give themselves to one another sexually. ²

I grieve when I read articles like this one which argue that this Christian teaching (that couples should save themselves sexually for marriage) is not only wrong, but dangerous. ³ The writer of the article, a woman who was raised in a conservative Christian home, says:

“My parents talked openly about sex at home, explained the details of intercourse, and made it clear that it was nothing to be ashamed of, just so long as it was within the confines of marriage.”

And,

“I was told in no uncertain terms that having sex outside of marriage was the worst thing I could do as a young woman.”

In the article, the woman explains that she was taught her body was the property of her husband and that sex was primarily about him.  She goes on to explain that even though she and husband have a great sex life, it has taken her many years to “undo” the teachings of the “purity culture” she was raised in.

This article saddens me for many reasons.

First, I grieve with this woman over the disappointment she experienced on her wedding night despite her efforts to remain pure while she was single.

Second, I mourn because the teaching reflected in the article is a distortion of true Christian teaching about sex.  Christians actually believe that both spouses have rights over the other’s body, not just the husband over the wife’s body.  1 Cor. 7:3-4 says:

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

Thirdly, I lament at this article because the answers to the problems of the purity culture as described in her article are not the pervasive teachings of the sexual freedom culture we see and hear all around us today.   The road of sexual freedom and exploration only leads to the cul-de-sac of undesired pregnancy, disease, heartbreak, depression, abortion, and many other pains.

Fourth, this article concerns me because it assumes that her sexual disappointment on her wedding night was due to her purity:

“When we checked into our fancy hotel, I felt as though I was giving this beautiful man, my knight in shining armor, the most precious and special gift of me. I was proud. I made it. I wore my diamond ring as a badge of honor. Afterward, I felt empty.”

This is tragic.  These feelings of emptiness and disappointment in a moment like that are very real and many people experience them.  Psychologists tell us that sex is “a fundamentally disruptive and overwhelming force.”  In a shocking, unexpected, turn of events, most people today, in our sexually “liberated” world, find sex even harder to talk about and understand than people did before.  So drawing a simple straight line from those feelings of emptiness after sex to the teachings of the purity culture seems a bit simplistic.

Sex Is Saying Something About God

What I am certain of is this: liberating sex from marriage and making it cheaper and easier does not make it’s pleasures more accessible or attainable, it only makes them less desirable.  Give everyone a million dollars and suddenly a million dollars is nothing to be desired.

Sex is not an end in itself to be pursued.  It is a picture of the kind of delight and pleasure that God has in saving His people and that His people can have in relationship with Him.   Any other teaching, whether it be the teachings of the purity culture, or the teachings of the sexual freedom culture only end up in disappointment, emptiness, and heart ache.

We must keep God at the center of sex (like everything else). When we do things his way, we thrive. I urge all of us to not throw away our precious pearls.

For those of us that may have made decisions with our bodies that we regret, there is hope in Jesus. Not only will he forgive if you come to him in earnest sorrow and repentance but he can fix any mess. I invite you to turn to him today. He will give you strength and wisdom to guard your treasure and value it for what it truly is.